Saturday, 19 December 2015


Am I ungrateful because I was unable to reciprocate feelings of affection that another so readily felt for me, and then later complained that I am alone? I felt all the feelings one longs for. support, adoration, familiarity, comfort, laughter and friendship, but I didn't love enough, i didnt see forever. Is that my fault? am i in the wrong? Should I have settled? To save hurting you who I still care deeply about. Should I have lied so I wouldnt see you cry, so i wouldnt miss you? what am i looking for? what are we all searching for? i found one piece of the puzzle. i held half of the story, the love you had for me. but i turned away from it because i couldnt find that inside of myself to pour out to you in return. My internal dialogue is often shouting "why am i alone!?" "When will it happen for me?" ...But how dare i? How ungrateful must i be to throw it away, to complain? I am struggling with this. Does it hurt you to see i am tired of being alone? Do you resent me for still searching? Or maybe i was wrong.

Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Go Outside!

Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.

- Norman Vincent Peale

Thursday, 25 November 2010


Sometimes you meet someone, in a foreign place, you do not know them, you do not see them, yet you see their works and their kindness, their gift of charity toward you and the people around you. And no matter where you are, which island your footsteps share or which lands you each call home, one word translates perfecty, "Thank you". The gift of showing gratitude for a persons efforts and hard work cannot be re-directed or construed by barriers of language or the difference in times of which each others suns will set.
I myself not so long ago experienced the joy of offering my thanks to a caring and charitable person who offered her time to her piers and created an experience they would never have otherwise had. Solely due to her reaction and her returning in giving thanks for being noticed for her efforts, the smile she wore so wide flew from hers to mine in an instant. Is there a better feeling?
As we slowly but surely edge toward a season infamous for its ability to change a man's heart toward charity and to giving, what better time than the present to offer up your own gift in thanks to the ones around you who silently deserve it. The ones who do so to steal the smile from another, and to wear it as proud as they had once before.
Write it, say it, send it in a bottle, give it wrapped in ribbons and a bow.

Just make it heard.

Friday, 20 August 2010


Sometimes all you want is to be alone, but to feel that there is something around you, something of body and purpose to just fill the space between you and your surroundings. To be the entity surrounding you and encasing you from the world itself, adding a different dynamic, a different sound. When the rain falls you are never alone, to feel of its touch on your face, to witness its trail from beyond the front door, reaching into the tiles of home. The rain sits on the fence, it's not for you, or for the woman standing idle with no umbrella wishing she had watched the news, it is its own self, falling from greater heights than you can imagine because it simply has nowhere else to go but land onto the surface of each of our worlds, creating something that was never there before, that rippled reflection in the puddle that surrounds your feet, the unwavering path of its descent right before your eyes. Sometimes you need to walk alone yet still feel the interaction from something who isn't there, something that can be seen, heard and felt.
Often when indoors, when I hear the beating upon the floor, the ripples on the asphault, I throw on my biggest warmest coat, struggle into my wellington boots and stand amongst the tree's, just to hear something new, something other than traffic, music, people....but the melody and the rythmn of the rain cascading through the leaves above my head.
When it rains, the world changes. Conversation is sparked between strangers on a bus stop, "what awful weather we're having!" they'll say...but still.....friendships were made.
When it rains the world is kind, sharing the canopy of a nearby store, the free newspaper to cover your head from the man who saw you struggling to stay dry. People cram into stores, cafe's, museum's all to avoid the rain falling outside, but instead have been pushed into forcing bonds with one another, all sealed in the common enemy outside......the rain.
When raindrops fall there is always someone to talk to.
When raindrops fall there is always someone to listen to, and when raindrops fall....there is always something to aid in the struggle to feel alive.
When you next hear the beating upon empty cobble roads, throw on your biggest, warmest coat, struggle into your wellington boots.....and just listen.

Wednesday, 26 May 2010

A Tip For The Future...

'If I could offer you one tip for the future'..... My advice would be simply to follow your feet. When you come to a crossroads don't just stand at the pinpoint of decisions and second guessing, just begin to walk. Instead of undertaking the provoking surroundings of indecision and the so called 'advice' of people who have 'been there'...just put one foot in front of the other, and walk toward nothing. Disregard the aim, remove the goal, enjoy the journey.
We all have this mindset in which we must always be looking forward to our next destination, planning and ensuring our arrival to this future state. But in the savings and goal making...We forget to just look around, to stop and look at the flowers, discover the smells in the air of a new environment. To watch the trees as they dance in the wind, happily doing nothing but existing..until their time comes. Embrace the sun beating upon your shoulders as you progress further along the broken road, watch out for potholes but NEVER look back. When you look to the left and see a less travelled path leading to the place your heart desires....follow it.
Journey with the cracks in the sun soaked ground and discover. discover the sights you may never have seen otherwise. Meet the people, Laugh with the children, taste the hospitality of the inhabitants and the surroundings themselves. hear the wind that you never heard before because never before have you been to this place. The next time you have a doubt, a fear, a slight second guess, promise me you'll cast them out. Cast them out, slip on your shoes with the broken soles and loose stitching and just take a running jump, jump over the fence and run through the grass... because you can! because life is too short to live with an empty photo album, to live with a box of memories with only a birth certificate inside....Fill it with shells from your favourite beach. Fill it with a memento of remembrance from the unforgettable night with a new friend. Fill it with keepsakes and reminders.
The wish i would never make is for a life of regrets and of just being 'content' Happy! be excited! dare to dare and dare to dream! Say what you want to say and go where you want to go, because when we take that leap...we end up somewhere we have never been before, a new circumstance, a new dilemma, a new challenge. a new opportunity. And as time goes on....just our existence proves we've made the right decision. There is no negative consequence to spontaneity. our time lines are thin and we are living in the present. don't hold back...there is nowhere to go but forward. Follow your nose, Follow your feet...Follow your heart.

Promise me you will.

Sunday, 18 April 2010


Can anyone tell me why we were put here on this Earth? This beautiful place of ice-capped mountains and deep blue oceans teeming with life. Only one of Earth's species has gained sentience and they are capable of great achievements, great kindness, great artistic beauty but also capable of great atrocities. And when these atrocities occur, when that being full of sentience discards the world around them, discards not only the beauty of the snow-capped mountains and deep blue oceans...but the beauty inside of them.

When you pick at the stitches and seams of the carnal mind, the thoughts and emotions you tried so hard to conceal and forget, spill out around you. For some the spilling never stops, as the world slowly revolves, history repeats itself and with every occurrence, these memories and feelings bury themselves deeper and deeper into the fabric of who we are until eventually, we drown.

We fall so deep into the ocean that IS this world, that is media, conformity, temptation. But when you've already picked at those stitches, believe me, they'll make themselves at home. turn on the taps...and the next thing you're treading water, struggling to keep your head above the surface. just to breathe is a gift, But through worldly means...we can take even that away ourselves.

So when we're treading water and gasping for breathe, running purely on the instinct to survive that we all possess, Granted... you'll survive, but for how long? If your arms and legs are bound, how long could you survive on your own? even at its extremity there are many who feel this to be much more reality than a pretentious analogy conjured by a lonely blogger with too much time on his hands. I for one sympathise all too well with those who feel that they can no longer reach that lifeline, those that have been dragged by the current so far that they can no longer see the shore.

But from this there is a lesson to be learned, Granted a lesson that i still have not learned, and will continue struggling to do so, but a lesson to be learned none the less. A lesson to change, to humble yourself to those with outstretched hands. A lesson to stop kicking and screaming and allow them to carry you. Those of you with a religious background,...i don't need to tell you who you should turn to, who it is NEVER too late to turn too, this is amongst those lessons i am trying to learn for myself. but when you're barely floating, when there is no ladder must ask! you must beg and plead for a lifeline. Beg for a map, a light, a rope, all that you'll need. you may not want to, you may feel you cannot, you may have lost the desire to change at all, but there will come a time when you will have nowhere else to turn. plead for help now while you still can. its not a weakness. its a strength. its Growth.

Saturday, 3 April 2010

Is it worth it?

There are those who look at themselves and are not content. Those who wish they looked like someone else, thought like someone else, acted like someone else. But Why? For some to live a day...or a lifetime... in someone elses shoes is a chance to aesthetically fit the mould, to please the carnal state of the onlooking world. But for others, just a second in those perfect well-stitched shoes is a chance to become what they always dreamed..."Normal." There are things in this world that you simply cannot be, that you cannot do. There are things in this world that if ever discovered or explored, the fate of that life will no longer shine as bright as it had once done. In a simpler time. In a brighter, happier time.
For some the exploration has already begun, mapped out, co-ordinates marked and are making good time. But where are they going? These people are heading to a place where they can live out their wildest dreams, where just for a second, they can be loved. just to be happy and to feel what we all want to feel. For some there is an image painted so clear, a soft spoken picture where the warmth cannot be shunned, where the light can barely stay within the frame, the black and white, making it so clear to see the clouded imagery of personal happiness, Yet so clear to themselves, the world will never see. For those who carry their 'accepted' title will never understand.
I have previously spoken of the instance where when every fibre of a persons being defies all that is eternally good, and pure, what are they to do? if you had to live every day, hiding and shading that warm, soft spoken image from the world, every day numbing yourself so you can never feel, because you know you never will...How long would you want to live?
The answer to this question hasn't and never will change. Let the whole world move while standing still, and thats exactly it, Stand still. learn to live for the moment, to be happy in the now, to be content with the people surrounding you, and the person inside of you to smile for that very second. because in that very second, nothing else matters. Because you cannot change the present, but you can re-write your future from the thoughts and actions you carry out at this very moment. At 00:58am i am content in this instant, for what i have, not what i want. for the worldy good i can do at this moment. For all i can do to become the brightest star in my own sky. Rather than hoping, dreaming and wishing of a place where i can be happy in this carnal state...i dream that living the ideal, living this colder, darker life that the one that could have been or living the "normal" can lead me to true happiness. to be happy forever. Isn't that worth it?